so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Oh god it's open bar.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
