I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Randomize
