Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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