Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
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