I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
The beers last night were like the tears from god
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Randomize
