the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
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