he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
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