It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
