I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
