Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
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