I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
