that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
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