So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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