Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Randomize
