Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
