today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
