apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
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