drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
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