after a month anything with tits is on the radar
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
We left an ass print on the piano.
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Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
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