Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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