I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
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