After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
Too much gin, very little bucket
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize