Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
