Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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