I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
