I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
