I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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