someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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