he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
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Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
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not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
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