He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Randomize
