Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
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