dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Randomize
