My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
