You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Randomize
