I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
my shit smells like andre
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
