If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
