end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
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