my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Randomize
