I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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