Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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