I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Randomize
