i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
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