I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Randomize
