hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
