They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
