Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Randomize
