They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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