i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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