woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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