Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
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