I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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