Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
