Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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