You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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