He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
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